An open letter to my best friend…..

IMG_20161218_093102How are you? It seems that you are more than happy, by seeing your last DP on Facebook. After all it all turned out into your way. You and your wife slaying in summers with a broad smile tagging your friends. It itches to realize that I am no more your friend. Yes how easily you debited me from your life without any discounts or notice.

It was you who followed me in tuitions and schools; it was who you needed help from me, those presentations and notes, those trips and lounges, exams and reminders, you were dependent on me for everything and I made that, the part of my life. I was still a human with emotions and expected. What you did was unexpected; you ignored, abandoned and insulted me.  I was shattered and you laughed it out pointing me psychotic.

You talked in front to 20 people how nagging I was, how could I had ruined your life, I had issues with my family and I went out for few days, you in turn acting recreant ;scrapped me off, made a topic and got crystal clear. Eventually I was disheartened a little more from you instead of my family.
You repaid me well, you replaced and swapped me, calls went unanswered, things went unspoken and the game of blocking and ignoring triumphed over years of friendship.

I always questioned that; why did it ever happen when it was never meant to be? Only you had answer but you never reverted me back. Broken I was when you said that it was me who kept best friends in mind, you never asked me to do so. Everyone didn’t wrote on your behalf before exams, there was no one for you to console you after your breakup. You blamed me for your breakup. The reality was it was your selfishness and ignorance towards the people who loves you. May be everyone is not like me.

It was the time when you got engaged, I showed up to your house to congratulate you. You didn’t even shared a smile with me. Not even your family members, may be you had hyped me to them also. I smelt it and went out. I wept whole night. I didn’t ate for three days in a row, always expected a message from you but nothing happened. I detached myself from the world, I hated me, my family and I hated you.

It was your marriage, no invitation from your side, every common friend of ours was invited by you, maybe I was too special to you, maybe I never deserved it. You celebrated and I died a little more. A simple phone call may have dragged me but thanks to you it didn’t happen. Even your wife had some stories for me, she exchanged looks with me, every time in rage, showing me my place, telling me how vulnerable I was, taunting me how contemptible I was.

I stalked your social media, didn’t had much courage to like them. You never liked any of mine that made me special a little more. At last you were happy. Clubbing, dancing, partying and solacing. I was not there in the picture though I craved for. I just want to ask you a simple thing. How many friends I did had?  It was none other than you. My life always was to Wheel around you, it was with you.

When did the crack started? When did you started hating me? When? Why? How?

You snatched away my friends. It was you who started groupism in between. You intended to do so, you side-lined me, broke me and cherished on your conquer.

Sometimes I feel I may have invested my time and importance to various people so that at this end I may have bunch of friends, someone to hang out with, someone to have a serious conversation with and someone to hail with.

Let me remind you of our dearest friend, we three lounged together, you knew I had a crush on her, she liked me a little more, which made you jealous and doubt on your testosterone. If I planned, you knew how to play. Secret conversations, dates and kisses; eventually she fled to your court and two friends were snatched away from me. I thought she created distant but it was you.

You planned every trip with her and my friends hiding from me and snapchated those pictures to me, was it make me jealous or it was to show me status where I lie and what I deserved, you chose to be a hero and made me an extra. It was your mentality, you always followed the stereotype, the competition between your conceit and pride let you decide our friendship.

It was your 21st birthday and I had arranged a surprise party for you. It took me a whole month to design the personalized explosion box, homemade chocolates and cookies, gathering up our friends and arranging a beach party. At last you found it too nice and sweet and asked me the reason for the made up. The reason was that I used to be your best friend. I hope it’s not complicated now.

I always woke up blaming me and slept missing you, there were the times when I needed you the most, the time when I got fired, the time when I broke up, the time when I shifted , the time when I was shattered, I tried to find you everywhere but no one arrived, blossomy afternoons turned into desolated evenings, still no one arrived.

Isolation is a gradual process; indebted to work I flew, migrated to a different city I ascertained. I started meeting new people, I evoked my potential and drew a different me. I started making friends though I will never ever make a bestie. Yes, it’s a trap and thanks to you. I untangled myself from the strings of one sided friendship and prioritized my goals to achieve, I took help from myself, acquaintance from you have taught me that I was a good helper. I opened the path slammed by me and encrypted a new life.

You might have seen some pictures of mine, instagram stories proved it. You might have find a more good looking and livelier version on mine with people, yes I like people now though I don’t attach strings with them, I have different versions of mine with different people. You changed me and I changed.

I work now, I blog now, I recreate now, those memories, those instances which I had once, which made be fuller, made be better, I laugh a little more now. My shadow, reflections and conscience boosts me a little more and I missed you a little less. I saw a more good looking version of mine, I started toning myself, appraisals were enough to let me go on and I went, I started a new venture from my routine and thus a IG model was born , thanks to you a blogger was fabricated due to your sake.

I have sex, I smoke, I drink and sometimes I also get high, there are better friends now, the life is better now. Don’t take me wrong, I know where I belong. Intimated by side casting have fled his way to main railing. A boring and chivvy nerd has transformed into a shady yet flaming men. I take advantages and repay, I don’t create an illusion to gain benefits. I am dark yet clean. Know me a little more, miss me a little more.

Over a period of time I mentioned you to my family as my best friend. I was unresponsive to them I took them for granted (Learnt from you!) and misplaced you, you never knew how important you were to me but the bond with them is inviolable now. Distancing me added some brownie points.
I acknowledge their virtues now. I sometimes miss your family too. Keeping part those bitter years, they were good to mine, your parents always welcomed me with a warm smile and your brother shared the secrets to upload a relationship then, he might have taught you to validate friendship too.

In school when you failed to score in chemistry, you blamed balanced reactions for it and here you failed to balance relations. Self-obsessed you slammed teacher and fed your ego, I sensed your envy while consoling your back.

Looking back you were never like this before, it was you who came up to me when we were in second grade complaining about your broken water bottle and eventually we became friends, I mended it and when I broke into waters you didn’t even came to reconcile.

“Once a promised friend for life may not talk with you later in your entire life”; that entire life which was spent just to make you smile, you surpassed me and purloined my smile. From calling every day to blocking everywhere you killed a part, you killed years and you killed laughter. This could have been sorted but you choose the other way.

Have you ever accepted me as your friend? Some questions need to be answered, even today when I wake up; I reminisce, I move on, still stagger; I smile fake enough; I achieved everything but how can I don’t achieved friendship? Was it always my fault? You said I created a whole world around me and jostled in it trying to push you into, really? It was you, who had different perspectives. You chilled with my friends, you isolated me, I need to ask; Why?

I remember the last time we spoke, it was you who didn’t showed up for the movie, you said you were sick and gave me as the reason. My presence was the reason for your absence, this made me to reincarnate and I wanted confessions. I confronted you and you vomited the things which were never mine. The things you spoke broke me up that day.

You said it was me who showed you the answers in exams and that was the reason for your lower grades. We went out together and thus you were not able to make new friends, I was overweight and occupied your life, I cared which made you untenable. I cried which made you strong, I waited which made you rewarding. Was it you or some other person, if I knew this was going to happen then I might have parted ways too early, I have not manifested, I might have self- respected.

There was the time when a bleep on my phone from you cheered me up, a call from you made my day but somewhere between the decisions which you took and the choices you made we lost it somehow.

It was like some people accidently walks over my foot and apologizes; while some walks out of my life and don’t even realize. Haven’t you realized it all? I tried everything from my side, I visited you, cried, explained, grieved, brawled, besotted but it went into vain, you growled and disdained. It went for days and eventually for months and years, I always wanted you to be a part of my life.

I learned that some stories are different, may be your part from my story was over and may be you erased me out from your life. I have now started appreciating me and moved on, still I am waiting for you to come and still a part of me says you were never like this, someday you will realize, you will stretch your soul we will be best friends again. Now, there would only be one change, I will now not expect.  It is not that I have concluded my life without you, there would always be a place for you.

Anticipating for you to revert, aspiring for your smile and longing for conversation.

Sometimes we don’t move on but we always try to obliterate memories and we break.

P.S: I want you back!

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