Depressed

It happens always with me, every time I get up strong to face, something irks and flees me into past, it’s also not that I am not over it, yet partially I am sucked into it.

This time characters changed but the aftereffects were identical, the past upturned another time, something sank another time, this phase is difficult to go through. May be depression is playing its role or some buried feelings have regrown; whatever it is, it is shattering me into fine pieces more and more, my heart is dozing off more and more.

That feeling when someone ignores you, when your part is played by some other, when someone swiftly takes away your place and the person whom you have fled the seas for, is happier with the new one; will curse your existence I say. Its not that I am not positive but the reciprocated infinite love has turned into zero in front of your eyes and you don’t’ know why?

The feeling persists, why are we fading for the one who does not even care for our existence, why do we care more for every insult, why do we cry for every ignored look, why but why?IMG_20170611_154014_550

Is there rule in the universe that we never get the people for whom we care for, for whom we like, or this only happens to me? I break down into tears sometimes, I fight for the right sometimes but on the blind eyes and deaf ears it always turns into vain.

The season of un-noticing and moving on erupts, it rusts your heart, drench your eyes and kills your smile and sadness is when you realize that the cure is only causing it. Why can we not be normal again, I want to give myself  a chance again, I want to get out of it, I know if they don’t care than I also need to find someone else. I know everything, yet can do nothing.

All those momentarily pleasures have gone, the places you visited, the jokes your cracked, the movies you watched are now stand still, cursing you, pitying you.

I was always into thought that if it has happened once, it will never happen twice but the situation is now different, it did happen twice.

Now what? Am I so weird to be with, why everyone dislikes me?

An open letter to my best friend…..

IMG_20161218_093102How are you? It seems that you are more than happy, by seeing your last DP on Facebook. After all it all turned out into your way. You and your wife slaying in summers with a broad smile tagging your friends. It itches to realize that I am no more your friend. Yes how easily you debited me from your life without any discounts or notice.

It was you who followed me in tuitions and schools; it was who you needed help from me, those presentations and notes, those trips and lounges, exams and reminders, you were dependent on me for everything and I made that, the part of my life. I was still a human with emotions and expected. What you did was unexpected; you ignored, abandoned and insulted me.  I was shattered and you laughed it out pointing me psychotic.

You talked in front to 20 people how nagging I was, how could I had ruined your life, I had issues with my family and I went out for few days, you in turn acting recreant ;scrapped me off, made a topic and got crystal clear. Eventually I was disheartened a little more from you instead of my family.
You repaid me well, you replaced and swapped me, calls went unanswered, things went unspoken and the game of blocking and ignoring triumphed over years of friendship.

I always questioned that; why did it ever happen when it was never meant to be? Only you had answer but you never reverted me back. Broken I was when you said that it was me who kept best friends in mind, you never asked me to do so. Everyone didn’t wrote on your behalf before exams, there was no one for you to console you after your breakup. You blamed me for your breakup. The reality was it was your selfishness and ignorance towards the people who loves you. May be everyone is not like me.

It was the time when you got engaged, I showed up to your house to congratulate you. You didn’t even shared a smile with me. Not even your family members, may be you had hyped me to them also. I smelt it and went out. I wept whole night. I didn’t ate for three days in a row, always expected a message from you but nothing happened. I detached myself from the world, I hated me, my family and I hated you.

It was your marriage, no invitation from your side, every common friend of ours was invited by you, maybe I was too special to you, maybe I never deserved it. You celebrated and I died a little more. A simple phone call may have dragged me but thanks to you it didn’t happen. Even your wife had some stories for me, she exchanged looks with me, every time in rage, showing me my place, telling me how vulnerable I was, taunting me how contemptible I was.

I stalked your social media, didn’t had much courage to like them. You never liked any of mine that made me special a little more. At last you were happy. Clubbing, dancing, partying and solacing. I was not there in the picture though I craved for. I just want to ask you a simple thing. How many friends I did had?  It was none other than you. My life always was to Wheel around you, it was with you.

When did the crack started? When did you started hating me? When? Why? How?

You snatched away my friends. It was you who started groupism in between. You intended to do so, you side-lined me, broke me and cherished on your conquer.

Sometimes I feel I may have invested my time and importance to various people so that at this end I may have bunch of friends, someone to hang out with, someone to have a serious conversation with and someone to hail with.

Let me remind you of our dearest friend, we three lounged together, you knew I had a crush on her, she liked me a little more, which made you jealous and doubt on your testosterone. If I planned, you knew how to play. Secret conversations, dates and kisses; eventually she fled to your court and two friends were snatched away from me. I thought she created distant but it was you.

You planned every trip with her and my friends hiding from me and snapchated those pictures to me, was it make me jealous or it was to show me status where I lie and what I deserved, you chose to be a hero and made me an extra. It was your mentality, you always followed the stereotype, the competition between your conceit and pride let you decide our friendship.

It was your 21st birthday and I had arranged a surprise party for you. It took me a whole month to design the personalized explosion box, homemade chocolates and cookies, gathering up our friends and arranging a beach party. At last you found it too nice and sweet and asked me the reason for the made up. The reason was that I used to be your best friend. I hope it’s not complicated now.

I always woke up blaming me and slept missing you, there were the times when I needed you the most, the time when I got fired, the time when I broke up, the time when I shifted , the time when I was shattered, I tried to find you everywhere but no one arrived, blossomy afternoons turned into desolated evenings, still no one arrived.

Isolation is a gradual process; indebted to work I flew, migrated to a different city I ascertained. I started meeting new people, I evoked my potential and drew a different me. I started making friends though I will never ever make a bestie. Yes, it’s a trap and thanks to you. I untangled myself from the strings of one sided friendship and prioritized my goals to achieve, I took help from myself, acquaintance from you have taught me that I was a good helper. I opened the path slammed by me and encrypted a new life.

You might have seen some pictures of mine, instagram stories proved it. You might have find a more good looking and livelier version on mine with people, yes I like people now though I don’t attach strings with them, I have different versions of mine with different people. You changed me and I changed.

I work now, I blog now, I recreate now, those memories, those instances which I had once, which made be fuller, made be better, I laugh a little more now. My shadow, reflections and conscience boosts me a little more and I missed you a little less. I saw a more good looking version of mine, I started toning myself, appraisals were enough to let me go on and I went, I started a new venture from my routine and thus a IG model was born , thanks to you a blogger was fabricated due to your sake.

I have sex, I smoke, I drink and sometimes I also get high, there are better friends now, the life is better now. Don’t take me wrong, I know where I belong. Intimated by side casting have fled his way to main railing. A boring and chivvy nerd has transformed into a shady yet flaming men. I take advantages and repay, I don’t create an illusion to gain benefits. I am dark yet clean. Know me a little more, miss me a little more.

Over a period of time I mentioned you to my family as my best friend. I was unresponsive to them I took them for granted (Learnt from you!) and misplaced you, you never knew how important you were to me but the bond with them is inviolable now. Distancing me added some brownie points.
I acknowledge their virtues now. I sometimes miss your family too. Keeping part those bitter years, they were good to mine, your parents always welcomed me with a warm smile and your brother shared the secrets to upload a relationship then, he might have taught you to validate friendship too.

In school when you failed to score in chemistry, you blamed balanced reactions for it and here you failed to balance relations. Self-obsessed you slammed teacher and fed your ego, I sensed your envy while consoling your back.

Looking back you were never like this before, it was you who came up to me when we were in second grade complaining about your broken water bottle and eventually we became friends, I mended it and when I broke into waters you didn’t even came to reconcile.

“Once a promised friend for life may not talk with you later in your entire life”; that entire life which was spent just to make you smile, you surpassed me and purloined my smile. From calling every day to blocking everywhere you killed a part, you killed years and you killed laughter. This could have been sorted but you choose the other way.

Have you ever accepted me as your friend? Some questions need to be answered, even today when I wake up; I reminisce, I move on, still stagger; I smile fake enough; I achieved everything but how can I don’t achieved friendship? Was it always my fault? You said I created a whole world around me and jostled in it trying to push you into, really? It was you, who had different perspectives. You chilled with my friends, you isolated me, I need to ask; Why?

I remember the last time we spoke, it was you who didn’t showed up for the movie, you said you were sick and gave me as the reason. My presence was the reason for your absence, this made me to reincarnate and I wanted confessions. I confronted you and you vomited the things which were never mine. The things you spoke broke me up that day.

You said it was me who showed you the answers in exams and that was the reason for your lower grades. We went out together and thus you were not able to make new friends, I was overweight and occupied your life, I cared which made you untenable. I cried which made you strong, I waited which made you rewarding. Was it you or some other person, if I knew this was going to happen then I might have parted ways too early, I have not manifested, I might have self- respected.

There was the time when a bleep on my phone from you cheered me up, a call from you made my day but somewhere between the decisions which you took and the choices you made we lost it somehow.

It was like some people accidently walks over my foot and apologizes; while some walks out of my life and don’t even realize. Haven’t you realized it all? I tried everything from my side, I visited you, cried, explained, grieved, brawled, besotted but it went into vain, you growled and disdained. It went for days and eventually for months and years, I always wanted you to be a part of my life.

I learned that some stories are different, may be your part from my story was over and may be you erased me out from your life. I have now started appreciating me and moved on, still I am waiting for you to come and still a part of me says you were never like this, someday you will realize, you will stretch your soul we will be best friends again. Now, there would only be one change, I will now not expect.  It is not that I have concluded my life without you, there would always be a place for you.

Anticipating for you to revert, aspiring for your smile and longing for conversation.

Sometimes we don’t move on but we always try to obliterate memories and we break.

P.S: I want you back!

A peck

IMG_20170313_002245_761I got a peck on my neck, Naina woke up early today. Shrugging her off, I went out to jog. Night outs and morning walks proffered me ecstasy and space from Naina. We made love but were not in love, I cared but didn’t cherished her. Naina was now okay with me, she never expected a kiss back, nor did she try to caress my messy hair, our bodies connected but souls failed.
Returning from jog I found a cadaver and people around it, my heart wretched out, series of thoughts wailed me, conscience was Meddled and in fraction of time, I realised the importance of Naina.
I discovered her in the lobby wailing on Bosci’s carcass that ended her life to get rid of her in-laws.
I went to her and kissed her for the first time. She didn’t countered but cried heavily on my shoulders, as if she was incarnated, she fell on my lap and got asleep. How incomplete I was without her! I was finding happiness from one who was never mine and ignoring the one who meant to be my life. Some stories don’t change but the characters might.
She woke up to find an incomplete munificent desire burning into a heap of letters and pictures; I grabbed her and went out. Isolated souls were liberated and had found their solace.
She smooched my neck and now I didn’t resist, I was in love with her now, she is was mine now.

A Decade Ago!!

IMG_20161208_212740It’s been a decade now but this incident always brings a chill within me, hovering on this very thought makes me feel stupid.

It was our 9th grade, the period of transition from a child to boy, when your puberty is at its peak and attraction takes over your senses. She was Naina, we shared the same bench in tuition. She looked like a princess to me, edgy and glowing, we used to struggle from acne and she had crystal clear skin, she always wore shades of dark blue and black which made here tone more elegant. On Sundays she used to colour her nails black and lay her hair to wave on me, the smell of refreshing Dove tickled me giving her an imo look.

That edgy eye liner had lots of questions to ask but I couldn’t stare more at her , I always had a fear of getting caught, she didn’t talk much with me, she only called when she missed a lecture or if she wasn’t getting a topic, she always laughed off  whenever I tried to get personal, she was a reserved girl. Of course, all beauties have their bodyguards, even she had her boyfriend. She was very serious about him and wanted to get marry with him. How childish we were then, these fairy tales never get real. Sometimes we used to chat and bitch about other guys and girls before classes and eat chips together. Sharing anything to her was like a golden opportunity to me. An average guy with a School heartthrob envied many.

After gelling well with her and exchanging numerous phone calls about exams, topics and bitching; at last we were real friends, we started lounging together and sometimes her boyfriend also joined us. Whenever he didn’t answered a call a Qualm used to took over her and she would be in a distress the whole day, irritated and not in a mood to talk with anyone.  Lesser did she knew, that I always liked her and wanted to be with her. Irony of life is when you start to get comfortable; either of one always has to leave. Naina geared up for a new venture and opted to move Mumbai to pursue journalism course. I was depressed and asked her if she ever liked me. She cut the call then and on the last day, she came up to me telling we are never meant to be together, it was just mere friendship and I was not of her type too. She also added to keep some things platonic; involving love in everything sometimes ruins everything.

She left then after. I got busy with my life but after a decade I saw her Facebook account with her teddy bear type husband; dark, fatty, bald and ugly, she was surely not her hunky and toned boyfriend. I sighed and swiped her off as easily she did a decade ago.

Was I their friend or an option?

IMG_20161104_183323After waiting for a phone call on a Sunday evening at last I lost the battle and dripped into pyjamas, the last hope also turned out into dismal.

In upper secondary classes we were like a bestie group, we laughed, ate, studied and slept together.
That slambook lying underneath that shelf was a proof to it. Many times when I felt ignored I read that over and over again, that feeling of them loving me rejoiced me, who knows if they still do?
I doubt now.

We used to meet every day the whole group was a family, especially those two, the one whom I loved and the one who was my life. Time flew and thus the attachment making me more miserable in their presence and vulnerable in their absence, this was me. I was always like this.

Ananya and Rahul were the two whom I had shared myself, there was a situation when oxygen felt less important the heart ached when I came to realize they were in love with each other yet I craved for their friendship with a Maze between my brain and heart.

Days passed and the distance grew longer. They snatched every bit of mine, sometimes I felt used, those calls from them to make notes and journals, pin up the presentations, book the tickets, arrangement for snacks everything.

Why me? What I did wrong? Was I not so good looking as Rahul or was I a clinged up overrated bestie. Did they hated me? Did they want me to go away? Was I the barrier? Did they always hated me? Why but Why?

Though we were in same cities, we never met then, two years passed away hastily, I always stacked their social media posts not having courage to like them, though I love them the both, I always craved for a message from their end. A simple call to meet up. It never happened.

Eventually the day arrived, they were getting married. I waited for their invitation, they have my friends as yours and have sent them the invitations. It hurts having no friends. The wedding was on Monday but nothing happened on Sunday to me, miracles does not happen in an overnight.

Was I always an option? Was I really their friend?

Does anyone have the answer?

Friendship or Ego?

IMG_20160418_085812“Wait, you can’t go like this anyway, we need to talk!” I shouted at him but he ignored and went out slamming the door on my face. We used to be best friends, Rishabh and I were childhood friends, we grew up together, from same school, tuition and college; we shared everything from biscuits to notes, from crushes to secrets, issues to laughter, vacations to trips, hangouts to breakups everything.

After college it started to change, Bitterness led into our friendship, the long lost brother didn’t bothered for me anymore, may be having some new friends was an achievement for him, may be night outs with colleagues seems to fascinate him more, I never confronted him but always warned him that it hurts me being ignored. Becoming strangers from best friends is worse than anything.

Even I popped my nose into work and he was in his demeanour. Yesterday he came to my house, I was happy to see him.  His sarcasm reflected that nothing was same as before, still he was my friend so this didn’t mattered much to me. I asked about his whereabouts and saw a mark on his elbow, it was from a syringe, saw several of those, I doubted danger and made a peep inside his nose, yes there was white skin in it, yes he was into drugs. This came as a shock to me, still I choose to be mum and thought to tackle it tactfully.

Rishabh was still the same, he never combed his hair, a ripped pair of jeans and plane t-shirt was his dress code, I guess he never urge for an attention from anyone, he just wanted to be like this though he used to be the hottest guy in our group, he dragged a pillow and rested on it, asked me to fetch some cookies, I passed him some digestive cookies. He moved the container aside, “You need to exercise to lose weight, dieting won’t affect much, Akash; never mind you are in a shape now, let’s get out and have something to eat”,  after two years we were like together, otherwise we only exchanged glances feeding our ego. We went to a pizza parlour and ate, after that we went for a joint, I asked him about him having someone in his life, he said yes and showed me her pics, she looked nice but was not surely of his choice, I didn’t commented anything, after few tit tats, he said me about his addiction of having drugs and wanted to get free from it. I suggested him to join a rehab as he had come a long way across.

We planned to join the rehab; we went to see the doctor. Doctor was too nice to him and assured him to get the things done, we doubted as his parents were unknown about the situation as they lived abroad. He was all alone and may have been influenced by his new group, whatever it may be, I wanted him to recover. We took a quick look at the centre, but after seeing the patients and the recovery process, those wounds and painful screams, he went out, he dropped the idea and wanted to quit the process. He ran out from the centre slamming the door at me.

But I will bring him back, for now I am his only family, will keep my regrets aside, he needs me, the bestie needs me.

An Unexpected Call

IMG_20161024_223313Relaxing on a Sunday Morning with a thought of not going anywhere was itself a treat to me. Messy hair and pyjamas blotted cherry on a cake. Cellphone was not charged so kept instagramming aside and switched on to read a book, choices were many but instead of reverberating between series and books I picked up something more exciting. Yeah, Durjoy Dutta came in my rescue and I picked up ‘Till the Last Breath’.

Made myself a hot cocoa, fetched some organic chocolate cookies and went on for a reading feast.
The book was gripping and suddenly I saw a name on my phone blinking up which made my heartbeats faster, it was Shiya, yeah I was unable to delete her number, a whatsapp DP of hers was enough to start my day, plunging a thought that she was once mine, that she once smiled with me , for me. The messy hair today are also due to her, she always used to caress them, this call of hers made me think of it even more. I thought a little more.

I picked it up and said, “Hello Shiya, How are You?”; “Better now!” with a flat voice she murmured,
these sharp words always bled me in past also, she did it today, maybe her half surpassed aim was completing,  with a chilled heart I asked her the purpose of calling after a year. She started sobbing,” You, were never mine, you only pretended, I doubted before but now you are Exposed Akash, I found the real you.” I took a deep breath and with my shattered pieces tried to calm her down, she cried a little more and a tear came down on my cheek confronting that I did cared for her, I do care for her even now.

The reason she said was obnoxious, I did chatted with girls and hanged out with them, she had issue with everyone, she made me trapped inside her love cage, I was not against commitments, but the way she loved me feared me a little more. As I loved her I neglected those  and accepting this as her nature I loved her a little more. I shared everything with her from whatsapp chats to facebook likes, from my mother’s calls to my nephew’s birthdays.  That movie plan with Krunal and Riya broke her, I said her that I need some space as they are my childhood pals and they had some rights on me, we need to share some bestie secrets, we need to rejoice our childhood.  She can’t be with me all the time, reason was simple.

The topic was dragged for months and every meeting and chat was brought up exaggerated and manipulated by her, meeting with my family members and best friends were also not pardoned. I took a step and broke up with her, may be this was not the best decision of my life, still it made me feel free. I did cried for months but was able to come out, still I missed her, still I loved her.

On the phone she said I was having relationship with Riya as she had the chats of her and me screen-shotted and have read it with every minute detail , her overthinking led us to sleep together, I was shocked and puked by her behaviour.  She invited to meet me but I was done now, may be if Riya was not brought in between I might have met, but as she haven’t  changed I dropped the idea and cut the crap by wishing that she would get someone even better. I doubt who was Exposed, I or her?

A Secret Summit

Two years ago, I planned to move out and attend a secret summit, internet is best option when you are bored up and have nothing much to do with your life. Secret summit was meant to be secret but some things are needed to be shared as if I don’t want to die alone with heavy heart.

The time scheduled was late 1:00 am in an abandoned restaurant and I was surprised to see the people over there, theme was gothic but was revealing depression, threat and molestation, few minutes went consternated. It was Cycilia who tapped me from behind, a girl in twenties, wearing black spaghetti and high heels, smoky eyes on a pale face wanted to share something. I shared a smile, she suggested me to move on a corner as my nonplus looks were evoking I was a first timer in this summit.

After casual talk I was free to ask her about her condition and the marks on her skin, she revealed that it was from her family. Her mother had an affair with her gym trainer and she was molested by his father and brother, she was having an incest relationship with them. Though they belonged to a highly reputed family with crores of turnover weekly. How come this happen, she was a ready example of money and its adverse effects, she went to tell me that she also had a boyfriend who is ok for an open relationship and she can have as many guys as she wants, he also had shared her with many of his friends. She added, “This is a part of my Lifestyle now”.

I asked her whether she was happy, she smirked and went off, advised me to keep out from this group and socialize with normal people, I later realized that everyone had a dark secret over there and they gathered there for a physical and emotional pleasure.

I later realized as a misfit over there.

When you are Ripped Apart

IMG_20161016_121906Sometimes we need to move on, we have to gather the shredded parts of our ripped heart and slay out forcing a smile. Always a question surrounds in the mind though; “Why did it ever happen, when it was never meant to be?” but eventually it did, dragging us to move on.

Loss of interest, miserable mornings, vacant trips, empty hearts and lonely us. Still we have to socialize, we have to smile, talk, eat and portray the fine us, the best of us, neglecting what we have gone through.

Sometimes we sit idle revisiting those memories, those touches and talks, promises and laughs and every scent spent together and in between when someone comes and asks us, what are you into?
Whom were you thinking of?

None of it. Nothing.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑